I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shady script

just shoot me!

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 17:14:45 GMT

here are some pictures of me from yesterdayyyy.
my boredom gets the best of me sometimes.

me in black & white.
i was just chillin' at home all day.

me semi smiling. haha.
my hairs all crazy because i slept on it. XD

i wanted to try an artsy picture.
lookes like i kind of failed. haha.
but, i still like the picture anyway.
as you can tell i was very bored.
that's all for now. [:

you can put the past away.

i might as well update since i have nothing else to do.
so the monday night Zach ended up playing video games all night.
& when i say all night, i mean literally.
i went to bed around 1AMish after watching him play for hours.
he didn't come to bed until at least 4 or 5AM.
yesterday i stayed home from work because
my mom forgot to pick me up for work.
so i spent the day laying around mostly.
i watched the first & second seasons of
it's always sunny in philidelphia.
it's fucking hilarious.
i had never seen it before yesterday.
so then last night when Zach got home
he came upstaires with me for a few.
we both ate dinner together & then went downstaires.
downstaires we watched the transporter together.
& then he popped in a video game.
i stayed to watch him play though.
i didn't mind watching last night.
him & Jason did a few shots.
but, he said they didn't effect him much.
so around 1AMish again, i went to bed.
i have to go to bed early for work. =/
but after like 20mins or so he came to bed too.
we layed together for a while in the dark.
we ended up having sex. [:
then afterwards we layed together again.
i played with his hair & he layed on me.
i'm worried he's getting tired of our sex.
he said he isn't, i know it's just my mind.
but, i worry because it's always right before bed.
if we had it my way, we'd have sex wherever & whenever.
i'm just a horny girl like that. [;
but, i mean i'm always worried to randomly be like,
"hey...we should go upstaires..." & hint about sex.
because i've done that before & he's turned me down.
& i don't like to be rejected.
so i've just been going along with when he wants sex.
hmm. that reminds me... >]
i can't wait for this weekend.
Jason & Jess are gonna be out of town.
anywayyyys,
today me & Josh are hangingout.
it's hard to be around Josh.
it's hard to put the past behind me.
we are the best of friends though.
i love that we came out of everything with a great friendship.
it's just...he got his lips pierced.
& i'm pissed off/jealous about it because
that's what we were gonna do when we were together.
we always made plans to get piercings together.
but, his new girlfriend took him to get one for christmas.
i didn't think i'd be jealous of them at all.
other than that it's easy to be around Josh.
Zach has the day off today.
the day's going to drag on.
i wonder if he misses me at all.
him & Jason are going to play disc golf.
i was jealous, because i was gonna work today.
he deserves guy time though.
i hate the way my mind works sometimes.
whenever i'm away from Zach i get insecure about us.
like, i know he's sleeping, but i feel like he doesn't care right now.
it's fucking weird.
i guess i'm way too attached for my own good.
well, i guess that's all for now.

btw buddy,
when you break up with someone
you shouldn't have sex with them a few weeks later.
you just shattered everything she built up to get over you.
now she'll be breaking so much more.
just take my advice & don't hurt her anymore.

Send us back to hell.

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 19:42:18 GMT

here are some pictures of me & Zach!
these have been taken over the course of two or three months.

me & Zach.
he was most likely playing video games.
i wanted to take pictures.
he tries to make me happy. <3
i hate my dimples.

picture of just me smiling!
which hardly ever happens in pictures.
when i'm alone & bored i take facebook photos. XD

this is a picture of me that Zach took.
he liked it. [:
he was laying on the couch,
i was sitting on the floor trying to pick a movie to watch.
i was about to say something if you can't tell. haha.

picture of me i took one day when i was boreeeeed.
i look pretty tired actually. haha.

there's half of me, there's Zach & there's Jess to the right.
Jess's little boy Trent took this picture by surprise! haha.
omg. see how short i am compared to Zach? XD

this is my absolute favorite picture of Zach.
his smile is so gorgeous & genuine.
i kinda blahhh because it was late
& we were chillin watching movies. haha.

last picture!
me & Zach.
i wanted to take a picture,
but he leaned in & made me smile. [:

that's all i have for now.
we both love taking tons of pictures though.
i didn't get the camera i wanted for christmas.
but, my cameras holding up just fine.
so more pictures will be on their way. :D

if you die, i want to die with you.

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:06:04 GMT

it's hard getting up monday mornings for work.

so saturday i spent pretty much all day at my parents.
that night i'm pretty sure we went over to Lauren's house.
that's been happening more often.
it's kinda making my days run together actually.

yesterday i slept in til like 3PM.
Zach had work at 12PM.
at the exact time i woke up,
Jason & Jess decided to take a long ass shower together.
i wanted a shower when i woke up.
i hadn't had one in like two or three days.
so i felt very disgusting & frustrated.
so i cleaned the room a bit waiting for that.
then i got my shower when they were done.
after that i cleaned the apartment a bit more.
took out trash, did dishes & laundry.
Zach came home around 7PMish.
he gave me his keys & asked me to go
cash my check while he took a shower.
here comes my frustration.
i hate taking other people's cars like i've said in the past.
so i went to Walmart & it wouldn't go through.
i was pissed off at this point.
i was alone & my check wouldn't go through.
so i headed to HEB to see if it would go through there.
they closed...40mins earlier than they were supposed to.
i was fucking pissssssed.
i was cussing under my breath as i walked back to the car.
i needed to give Jason rent yesterday.
so me not being able to get it to him
means we are gonna owe 50 bucks for today.
yes, i always fuck things up.
so i get back home & run straight upstaires.
i heard Zach right behind me.
he came in the room & asked what was wrong.
i exploded on him & told him how the check wouldn't go through.
we started to fight because i was upset & taking it out on him.
i wasn't just upset about that though.
when i'm upset, everything i've held inside that bothers me comes out.
so we got into a huge fight.
he asked me earlier in the day if i wanted to go to Lauren's.
i blurted out, "no. i just said that to fucking make you happy."
like EVERYTHING i hold in all the time, came flying out of me.
we ended up heading to Lauren's anyway.
i wasn't happy about it at first though.
i wanted to stay home & cry my eyes out.
on the way there we were completely quiet.
after him asking me what was wrong & i snapped, "nothing".
i told him i didn't want to explain because we were on our way
& i didn't want to be upset when i got there.
i tried to clear my head before i walked in the door.
while we were fighting i told Zach to just leave.
i never mean it when i tell him to just leave though.
i don't know why i say it.
because he always leaves & it makes me feel worse.
but, he got up after i said it & i pulled him back.
i told him not to go & we went to Lauren's together.
if he had left me i would have packed my shit & went to my parents.
at Lauren's we all hungout & watched Inglorious Basterds.
looooove that fucking movie.
after that we watched two episodes of Planet Earth.
which is actually pretty badass to watch if you're high.
after that me & Zach headed home cuz it was like 1AM.
we got home & Zach went downstaires with Jason & his friend Andy.
i decided to head upstaires & give Zach some guy time.
i could tell Jason is mad at me because of the rent thing too.
so i wasn't gonna stay down there with him.
i started watcthing Murder By Numbers, but i got tired.
so i got undressed, turned it off & got into bed.
after a few Zach came in with cookies.
he wanted to lay in bed & talk.
so he turned on the light & we chatted.
he was being really sweet.
he kept staring at me & saying i was pretty.
we ended up making love. <3
it was really sweet, sweeter than usual.
after that we both fell asleep.

yesterday when we were fighting so many things got brought up.
like he kept asking me what i wanted to do last night.
because i told him i actually didn't wanna go to Lauren's.
i told him it wouldn't matter if i told him,
because we never do what i want to do.
i told him i don't even know why he even bothers to ask me.
what i want to do is either hangout at home,
go to friend's house's or be outside, like on a hiking trail.
everytime i mention being outside it never happens.
hangingout at home in front of the tv watching movies would bore him.
so i just always go along with what he wants to do so he will be happy.
i would also never tell him this, but i don't like going to people's houses everynight.
he would do it everynight if he could.
i just like staying in sometimes.
but i bet that we will be going to Lauren's everynight this week.
another thing that got brought up,
which actually bothers me quite a bit.
we were fighting & i knew i was getting pretty mad.
i told him to leave the room because i wanted to hit him.
he said it was HIS room & he didn't have to leave.
i kept saying it was OUR room & that i needed to be alone.
he kept saying HIS,
it seriously makes me want to cry
everytime he says it's just HIS.
it's OURS. i live with you!
do you seriously still call everything yours?
it really hurts my feelings.
i want to cry just thinking about it.
it's like it doesn't even phase him that i live with him.
that we should be sharing everything because we are dating.
it really hurts.
another thing that bothers me...
it didn't get brought up last night.
but, i was thinking it this morning.
i hate how every morning i need a ride to work from Zach
that he always makes me late or gets pissy.
i get up every morning really early.
it pisses me off too, but i don't give you attitude.
i get up & get dressed without complaining.
i understand you don't like to get up early.
but, i really need your help
& i would help you if you were in my position.

if i had the choice tonight, [which i don't]
i'd stay in & cuddle or something along those lines.
i'm so frustrated with life right now.
i really don't want to show that to others.

it's hard not to be jealous.
Zach's best friend is a girl.
i know i have nothing to worry about.
shes getting married this year.
& they are the perfect couple.
but, when they hangout alone...
my jealous side gets the best of me.
it's hard to control.
he has the day off today.
i wonder what he's gonna do.

i guess i won't be going to school this semester.
i still have not registered & i am completely broke.

i don't know what's been up with me the past few days.
it's like i've been very...restless?
i guess that would be the right word.
i'm just not happy with anything right now.
i just want someone to talk to, but
i wouldn't know what to say if someone asked.
i just want to be held & i want Zach to tell me he cares.
it's probably just me, but i feel like me
& Zach haven't been connecting as well lately.
i'm thinking about talking to him about it.
i know if i do though it won't come out right.
i know it's just me though.

my face has broken out today. -.-
i'm way too stressed.
i don't know how to handle stress.
it seems like everyone else can.

i think i'm gonna take a nap
& jam to Alkaline Trio today.
that might make me a little happier.

take the time to get to know me.

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 02:34:15 GMT

happy 2010 everyone!
a new dacade.
a fresh new year & start.

new year's eve i actually didn't have as much fun as i wanted to.
after work i went home & changed out of my work clothes.
zach got off an hour & half after i did.
so i hungout in our room & listened to music til he got there.
when he got home he changed,
we grabbed our drinks [he had jack daniel's & i had a bottle of champagne]
& then headed out for Lauren's house.
there ended up being a huge crowd at Lauren's.
i should have guessed they would have a party.
well i ended up being the only sober one
because i had to drive me & Zach home.
i was kinda pissy about that.
i told Zach when i got home that i wanted to get drunkkkkk.
but, the night wasn't that bad being sober.
we all pretty much just hungout & chilled.
the guys mainly played beer pong. haha.
which is always really fun to watch.
i was just kinda nervous at this party
because a bunch of people i knew from high school was there.
so i was like uhhh...hello? haha.
when midnight struck Zach kissed me.
it was really, really sweet. [:
he told me it was the first time he ever had someone to kiss on New Year's.
there were a bunch of fireworks going on, on the street.
so we all stood there, cuddled with our significant others & watched.
after that Zach had to finish a beer pong game.
we went upstaires after that to smoke a bowl with Lauren & Jeff.
then we left because it was getting late & i was sleepy.
i drove home just like i knew i'd have to.
when we got home we both pretty much passed out.

yesterday i woke up pretty late in the afternoon.
it was like 3 o clock when i decided i wanted to drink.
i didn't get to drink on New Year's Eve!
so i made up for it yesterday. haha.
i had three glasses of champagne & a shot of whiskey.
all before Zach even got home. haha.
i watched a couple movies on the laptop upstaires.
when Zach got home he could tell i was drunk.
he basically took advantage of that because he knew i wanted him.
so we had drunk sex, well i was drunk. haha.
it was really nice though.
after that we hungout & talked for a while.
i was being kinda emotional due to my drunken state.
after a while we went downstaires because Jason made food.
Jason had been drinking as well.
he also made Zach start drinking with him.
he also! gave me a coupke of shots.
so i was feeling no pain at this point. haha.
we ended up hangingout downstaires with them just chatting & watching movies.
we also ended up playing poker,
which was really difficult to pay attention too.
i think Zach likes it when i'm drunk because i don't act scared or shy.
i was just being my silly, crazy self last night.
he kept staring at me & smiling.
Jason & Zach totally kicked me & Jess's asses at poker. haha.
i usually play better than i did. lol.
after that it gets kinda fuzzy.
i think i laid down on the couch & watched Hitman.
i remember laying on the couch & Zach kept looking at me.
after that i believe we hungout & just chilled for a while.
then when it got late we all headed upstaires.
everyone was drunk except for Jess, cuz she's preggers.
oh i remember sitting on the couch with Zach right before we went upstaires.
& i was really drunk at that point.
i remember him saying how he was gonna have sex
with me again when he took me upstaires.
so that's what we did! haha.
it got pretty hardcore actually.
he knew that the alcohol would make me less nervous in bed.
which he totally took advantage of.
not in a bad way because i totally wanted him.
anyway then after that i guess we passed out.
i don't really remember much from last night. haha.
well i actually remember the sex pretty well because i was concentrating.
by the end of the night i ended up drinking
the entire bottle of champagne by myself! lol.

todayyyy i've been at my parents house pretty much all day.
i got up around 1PM with Zach.
he didn't have work until 330PM.
he said he wanted to hangout with me upstaires until he had to leave.
i thought it was really sweet.
so we hungout upstaires, listened to music & chilled.
then he dropped me at my parents on his way to work.
i've pretty much watched Degrassi all day today!
yay marathons. :D haha.

that's all for nowww. <3

i've loved you since the day we met.

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 22:16:53 GMT

i feel the need to update again.
i can't get this off my mind.

i can't stop fantasizing about marrying you.
i can't stop wodering how you will propose.
it's killing me because i don't know.
but, i really want it to be a surprise.
seeing you smile as you present the ring.
me gasping at the fact that you're completely serious.
saying yes & having both of our faces light up with excitement.
buying my wedding dress, knowing you'll just tear it off that night.
getting everything ready, planning everything with my mom & yours.
me walking down the isle, seeing your smiling face waiting for me at the end.
my dad walking me down the isle, smiling with pride.
my mom crying in the crowd as she watches her only daughter get married.
you lifting the vail off my face & the smile that crosses your face as you see mine clearly.
seeing you in a tux looking so handsome.
your best friends standing next to you smiling because they are happy for you.
my best friends standing next to me doing the same thing.
hearing you say 'i do' will make a tear slide down my cheek.
i'll smile so big as i say the words back to you.
& then we'll have the most romantic, happy kiss of our lives.
i'll finally belong to you forever & you to me.

you'd be making my fairy tale come true.
i've always thought about marrying you.
always knew you were the one i wanted.
the one i've been looking for.
i've fallen so deeply in love with you Zach.
you're all i've ever wanted & more.

you'll never see what you've done to me.

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 21:47:50 GMT

work's been wonderful today!
i took a two hour nap & i got to eat. [:
i forgot that i had a meal here.
i forgot to eat it like a month ago.
it's one of those freezer meals.
so it was still good. yum yum.
i'm all full & happy now. :D

oops.
the office was supposed to close 30mins ago.
i'm the only one left. :/
maybe i should call my ride.
i should of asked earlier.
i asked if we had tomorrow off.
but, i forgot about today completely.

i wonder what's gonna happen tonight.
Zach will probably want to go to Lauren's.
which i'd be cool with i guess.
we did stay in last night, so he'll most likely want to go out tonight.
all i know is i need a shower or something.
my hair is all sorts of fucked up from my nap on my desk. haha.
my arms & legs kept falling asleep.
so it wasn't the best sleep ever.
but i so needed it.
i kept waking up because i'd hear coworkers talking outside my door.
i was afraid my boss's boss would walk in or something. haha.
but, she luckily wasn't here today either.
i'm in a great mood now that i've slept & gotten fewd.
i need to eat & sleep more often. haha.
cause i'm really happy right now.

so, Happy New Year's everyone!
have a great New Year's Eve & party hard! :D
i guess i'll be posting again next year! :P muhahaha!

there's no stopping us now.

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:40:49 GMT

weird day yesterday.
most of it was good.
Zach picked me up early from work.
with Daniel & Lauren.
we all stopped at sonic,
on the way to Lauren's house.
we hungout over at Lauren's house a while.
she had a few friends over.
we played wii sports & just chilled.
we stayed until her & Jeff had to leave.
me & Zach headed home.
Zach said on our way home he wanted
to lay in bed & watch movies with me.
when we got home i took a quick shower,
because i felt disgusting.
then got in my pj's & hopped in bed.
Zach told me to pick out a few movies.
all through the movies we were talking & hangingout.
it was pretty fun.
i love spending time with him like that.
he bit the hell out of my shoulders though.
he was getting rough, i guess he was horny.
during one of the movies we started fighting.
because i told him about the rent thing.
he's upset that i never have any money for myself.
that i always get by on rent barely.
so we started fighting, i started crying.
he held me & then afterwards i felt better.
i told him i don't always want to fight with him about money.
that's something my parents do.
so after that we continued to watch the movie & got high.
after we fought we started being nice to eachother.
he was being really sweet & smiling at me.
i could tell he was trying to cheer me up.
like after i cried he told me to smile
because he thinks i'm prettier when i smile.
i brought up the marriage thing this time.
i told him i want him to be sure that he's making the right decison.
i already know i am.
i think everything through.
i know what i want.
but, i don't want him to make a mistake.
i want to be with him more than anyone, i told him that.
i just want him to be aware of the things that piss him off about me
& make sure that he can live with them.
i also told him i want him to be aware of other girls,
not that i want him to cheat or hurt me in anyway.
i just think he can do better & i don't want him to miss
an opportunity because of me, does that make sense?
i just want him to be happy, no matter what.
even though it would kill me, if it wasn't with me.
i'd rather him be happy in anyway. does that make sense?
i mean i hope he knows i meant that i want him to be happy in any sense
& knows i don't want to get hurt in any way.
[[& i hope he knows i'm madly in love with him. <3]]
he leaned in & told me that he doesn't even notice other girls.
i smiled really. really big. haha.
i told him i already know that he's the one i want.
he said he loves me & he knows what he wants.
after that i asked him if there was anything that would change his mind.
about marrying me & such.
he said the only thing that scares him is how jealous he gets.
which this answer totally took me by surprise! haha.
he never acts jealous, so he must try to hide it well.
i never see his jealousy.
he never tells me when he's jealous that i hangout with guys.
but, he alawys thinks i'm gonna fall for another guy.
he's scared the past is gonna repeat its self.
i thought he was gonna say something along the lines
of, that he might change his mind eventually.
that's my biggest fear about marriage.
then we started talking about his parents.
his parents still don't like me, because of our past.
which i don't blame them,
it just makes shit harder for me from here on out.
he said it's gonna be hard to convince them that he wants to marry me.
i said they are gonna flip.
then he said i should go over to their house with them whenever he goes.
i got really nervous, shot him a nervous glance & shook my head.
he smiled slyly, & nodded.
fuck.
he's right.
i'm gonna have to.
i said, "you're mom's gonna tear me apart."
he laughed & shook his head.
but then i agreed that it was a good idea.
i asked what happens if they don't approve.
then he made me really happy by saying,
"i don't give a fuck. i don't live there &
if they start saying bad stuff about you i will say something to them."
we kissed.
so the rest of the movie was spent being cute & playful.
after the movie it was like 130AM, so we decided to lay down.
of course that didn't go as planned.
we ended up having really great sex. [;
he looked into my eyes the entire time. <3
that always makes me feel more connected to him.
after the sex though, Zach was exhausted.
so we both went to sleep.

this morning.
i'm at work.
not happy because i'm tired.
i feel like i haven't been getting enough sleep.
i swear i could sleep 'til like 4PM today if i was home.
i could try to sleep at work.
i mean, i'm guessing not a lot of coworkers are gonna be in today.
because it's New Year's Eve!
we aren't doing anything special though.
i don't think anyway.
if Zach has something planned, he didn't tell me.
i wanna sleep.
that's my main concern right now.
i'm exhausted.
the office is gonna be closed tomorrow.
kinda excited cause that means i get to sleep in.

damnit i can't remember the conversation we were having.
but Zach said, "can't you tell? i can't stay away from you."
it was something about how we always want to be together.
it was really sweet & he looked straight into my eyes when he said it.
fuck you short term memory.

it's gonna be a long day.
i might as well try to sleep some.

he crawls like a worm.

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 15:56:27 GMT

yesterday was interesting...
i woke up late, like 4 in the afternoon.
i had gotten up earlier than that to find zach's keys.
but, i passed out right when i got back into bed.
oh yeah, he didn't take me to work
because he didn't feel like getting up early & driving,
he said he didn't get enough sleep & he was zombie like.
so i got to stay home.
after waking up i went & ate some cereal.
really exciting, i know. haha.
then i got dressed & went to the computer lab for a bit.
while at the computer lab i got a phone call from zach.
he needed me to tell jason something.
so i had to run back to the apartment in disgusting weather.
after that i put my make up on, etc.
because i was going to the movies at 7PM.
so after getting ready i went back to the computer lab.
i did what i needed to do & then headed back to the apartment.
at the apartment i decided to try & watch Just Married.
i had some time before Damion would pick me up for the movie.
so around 630PM Damion calls, he's at the gate.
i walk out to the gate in the rain & cold.
it's him & his brother.
apparently it was gonna be like a "double date" sort of thing.
on the way we talked & caught up on how eachother were.
at the movies his brother's date was there.
she seemed like a bitch.
she looked at me like i was beneath her.
so i didn't talk to her much.
actually i didn't talk to her at all after meeting her. haha.
so we went to see Sherlock Holmes. it was great.
i really enjoyed it at least, Damion's brother didn't.
he said it had too much story & not enough action.
so then after that Damion's brother waits with his girl for her ride.
me & Damion headed to the car because we were cold.
we talked about relationships & stuff like that.
after that he took me home.
i had jess buzz me in, which takes forever.
they changed the gate codes on us & we don't know what they are right now.
so i'm there a total of five minutes before zach walks through the door.
he had just gotten off & Daniel picked him up.
so Zach came upstaires & kissed me,
then invited me downstaires with them.
so we go downstaires & they talk about games.
in about ten minutes Daniel leaves & we head out the door.
Zach planned earlier in the day that we would go to Lauren's.
so first we decided that we are hungry.
so we go to burger king & get some food.
i was pretty high at the time, so i was pretty ditzy.
we start play fighting & such waiting for our food.
then it starts getting to where i don't think it's play fighting anymore.
he told me to shut up & something else.
it didn't sound like he was playing, even though he says he was.
i got upset & told him to take me home three times.
he said no, please stay & go with me.
so he appologizes a couple times & i say whatever.
we head to Lauren's with him trying to make me feel better
& with me just staring out the window.
eventually i got over it, he appologized again & i forgave him.
then he was all happy that we could get over stupid stuff like that.
he mentioned how when we used to talk about getting together, in the past,
like having a relationship together, i would always be scared to go for it.
because i was always scared everytime we got into a fight one of us
would be like, "that's it! i wanna break up!"
luckily, when we fight afterwards we are right back to normal.
he was commenting on how much he loves that.
i love that too. i remember being really scared about that.
i can't believe he remembers it though.
i wonder what else he remembers about me from our past. haha.
so when we got to Lauren's & she had a few friends over.
we pretty much spent the night there watching them play guitar hero.
at the very end we watched two of her friends play beer pong.
i've never played & that was the first time i've seen it played too.
after that me & Zach headed home.
it's like 2 in the morning or so.
on our way home he says i'm being really quiet.
& he kept asking me what i was thinking.
i'm a quiet person, nothing was wrong with me.
i was just kinda spacey, because i was really high.
so we get home & head for bed.
we lay in bed for a while & i play with his hair.
while we were laying in bed he said i'd make a good wife for him.
i asked why & i don't remember his exact reply.
it was something like, "because you keep me grounded,
you make me happy & i love you."
it was really sweet. [:
then after a while i asked what time it was, he said late.
so we both turned off the light & fell asleep.

i'm not happy to be at work this morning.
besides zach having the day off & i have to work
i'm also exhausted.
when i'm exhausted my chest hurts like it's heavy.
i stay up way too late at night to get up at 840AM for work.
i feel like i've been sleeping okay.
but, in reality, i wake up a lot when i sleep.
i don't stay awake for long.
but, like, i'll wake up, inhale sharply, huge exhale, turn over & sleep again.
i do that about 5 or 6 times a night i'd say.
usually i sleep great next to Zach though.
if i'm scared he's not there i reach over to where he sleeps.
just to make sure he's sleeping next to me. [:

i didn't make enough for my rent this month.
i'm about 40 dollars off. -.-
they are gonna murder me.
or kick me out.
which would hurt more.
i hope they don't hate me.
it's not ONLY my fault i miss work.
sometimes my rides don't work out
or like yesterday, they don't want to take me.
FUCK.
tonight's not gonna go well now.
i hate having to tell them i don't have all my rent.
i should be shot.

i hate when i worry about being late to work
& then my boss isn't even here.
i was only a few minutes late this morning.
i think my excuse was valid though. >]
i couldn't find my ipod. haha.
& there's noway in hell i'm enduring work without it.
my boss said she wasn't gonna be here tomorrow & friday.
i wonder when she's gonna be in today...

i know we've talked about getting an apartment together.
but, i'm so scared that he's gonna get tired of me that way.
i guess it would be the best way to test if our marriage would last.
i know when to give him space when he needs it.
but, i'm still really nervous it's gonna end badly.
i think we can make it, but i'm still nervous about it.
i love him too much to lose him over it.

i'm spoiled i think.
i hate it when i wake up, before my alarm goes off
& i find out Zach isn't holding me. haha.
i always want to be held before i leave for work.
because i know i won't see him 'til later on in the day.
it's gonna be a long day today because i know he's picking me up.
so i'll be all giddy & ready to go by the time 5 comes around.

guess that's all for now. <3

let's melt the sugar.

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:37:02 GMT

okay.
everyone has got to be tired of my ooey gooey love posts by now. haha.
i'm sorry about them.
i just have a really bad short term memory.
& i like to post about stuff i really want to remember.
especially when it comes to zach.

yesterday was pretty cool.
i got home around 330PM.
i was at my parents house.
pretty much slept all day.
zach came in the room around 420ish.
i was confused when he came in.
because he was supposed to be hangingout with his best friend lauren.
so it kinda caught me off guard that he was home.
i was watching Elf on the laptop at the time.
he watched a little with me & then headed down staires.
he was playing video games downstaires
when i went down there after my movie was over.
i hungout downstaires with him while he played his game.
we were having fun just chatting & watching the game.
while we were on the couch he sat right next to me
& he put his arm around me & leaned close to my ear.
he whispered, "so how is it gonna feel to be Mrs. Taylor Ashley Hale?"
my breathing accelerated & i said, "amazing."
he smiled, laughed & kissed me.
after that we hungout for a while, he still played the game.
i got bored so i went upstaires to watch The Fox & The Hound.
i wanted to be with him though, so i only got through 15mins
before i headed downstaires to him again.
i went down there & he was sleeping.
he wanted me to stay with him though.
so i brought the movie down there & watched it
while we layed on the couch together & cuddled.
after a while he woke up & finished the movie with me.
after that he suggested watching A Knights Tale & playing disney monopoly.
so we did that, but half way through we had to clean it up & head for bed.
it was like 2AM & jason had a friend coming over to spend the night.
so we headed upstaires.
we layed in bed for a little while.
while we were in bed, he was holding me & he squeezed me tight
then he said he couldn't wait to introduce me as his wife.
i was tonuge tied & he could tell.
i smiled so huge & said, "yeah."
he laughed because he could tell my breathing was thrown off.
i said i'd love that & i couldn't wait either.
he said his plan is to propose within the next year.
but, he wants it to be a surprise.
so i have no idea when it's gonna happen.
i'm terribly excited. haha.
so after that we had sex, [;
& then we layed in bed cuddling before we fell asleep.

today before zach left he threatened me.
not in a bad way.
but, i want to see if his threat actually happens.
pretty much everytime he leaves for work i go back to sleep.
so today i was laying in bed watching him get dressed. sexy.
then he comes to kiss me goodbye & heads for the door.
he stops at the door & says,
"yeah, you better get sleep because i'm gonna tear your ass up tonight."
i was like, "what?!" lol.
totally caught me off guard because that never happens.
doubt he will hold to that though.
he wants to go to lauren's tonight.
which means we will be there for hourssss.
i like seeing lauren though, she's sweet.

i better go nowww.

i might let him.

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:09:03 GMT

we talked about the text message he sent me last night.
he said i'm the only one that knows his big secret.
[that he's already decided to marry me]
i couldn't help but smile & say it was the
biggest, greatest secret i've ever heard.
then later on he mentioned how scared he was to tell me.
because he wasn't sure how i would react to it.
i told him that it made me happy & i saved the text on my phone.
i also asked him, since he's already decided,
does that mean he's not gonna ask me?
he said no, that he's still gonna ask me & that i just won't know when.
then we were in the car, he looked at me, i looked at him & he said,
"i will marry you."
my heart raced, my knees went weak & my breathing staggered.
he just had that determination that i completely believed him. <3

all that he wants is just a tragedy.

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:25:11 GMT

so yesterday was pretty interesting.
a crazy train of emotions i must say.
i hungout at home all day, as usual on saturdays.
i tried to watch king kong all day long.
but i kept getting interrupted by zach's laptop.
you have to keep it plugged up to use it.
so everytime i moved, the cord came out.
i was getting really frustrated with it actually.
so before zach came home he wanted me to print out
directions to the train station downtown.
jason & jess needed a ride home from there.
so i write all down & i'm in the middle of watching king kong when zach walks in.
he wants me to go with him, which was a surprise for some reason.
so we head downtown using my directions, & he's frustrated.
we ended up getting lost & circling downtown.
he was screaming at cars & he was upset that he had to pick them up.
we all pretty much rely on zach's car way more than we should.
he wasn't mad at me. apparently my directions were right.
we just couldn't find the station.
so we headed back home.
he got out of the car, slamming the door
& stormed off to the computer lab to look up more directions.
i followed in silence.
i didn't want to piss him off anymore.
i thought he might have been mad at me, but i wasn't sure.
so he looked up the directions & i tried to talk to him.
but all he said was, "not right now" in a really angry tone.
so i decided to drop it before i started to cry.
so after that we head to the station & we park out front.
zach asks me to call them.
so i did & they were in Temple...
not even close to being back yet.
that just pissed zach off even more.
so i told them to call me when they got back.
so we headed back home, in silence.
we got into the apartment & he immediately headed upstaires.
he went into the bedroom, shut the door, locked it & i heard a 'bang" on the wall.
later i found out he threw his phone at the wall.
it has a huge crack on the screen now.
i stayed downstaires, because i didn't wanna piss him off.
then i heard him go into the bathroom & start to take a shower.
so i snuck upstaires to grab the king kong disc. haha.
i put it in downstaires & started watching it.
in a few minutes i heard him coming downstaires.
i was really nervous & i didn't want to fight.
my heart started beating & all i kept thinking was, "no. don't come down here."
but i'm very glad he did actually.
he came down completely naked & dripping wet. [;
he took me in his arms & gave me this really passionate kiss.
i looked at him & i'm sure my eyes said, 'wtf?'
cuz he just laughed at me & then kissed me again.
then he said, "go upstaires."
i was like, "what?"
so he said it again.
& we headed upstaires.
when we got up there he threw me on the bed & started stripping me down.
then we started making out.
i stopped him a couple times to ask if he was okay.
everytime he smiled & said yes, so i kept going.
we ended up having some hot, raunchy fucking sex.
handcuffs were involved & i still have the bruises & marks from them on my wrists.
he kept smiling at me while we were going at it.
i could tell he was really enjoying it.
afterwards we talked while i layed on his chest.
apparently that's what he wanted to do when he got home.
he knew it was our last night alone together for a while.
& he wanted to spend it with me instead of picking them up.
again we discussed getting our own apartment.
eveything he said that night made it seem like
i'm the one he wants to spend all his time with. <3
maybe i'm just letting my imaginantion get the best of me.
after that we got the call from jason & jess.
so we headed back to the station.
he was in such a better mood.
he needed a shower & some time with me, is what he said.
so we pick them up & head back home.
we watch king kong while chatting with them.
then they headed upstaires & zach asks if i wanted to go to lauren's.
i said yes, so we headed over there.
zach was pretty tipsy when we headed over there.
i forgot that he had been drinking.
so at laurens we caught up with them & played yahtzee.
it was pretty fun.
we stayed there pretty late.
we didnt get home til like 4am.
as soon as we got home we crashed.
this morning when zach left i was half asleep.
he didn't wake me up to say goodbye which made me sad.
but a few hours later he texted me & said he was sorry.
i said it was alright, i figured he was in a hurry or something.
he said it was because he couldn't bare to wake me
because i was sleeping & it was beautiful. <33
i told him that was so sweet & asked if he knew i would of been upset.
he said yes, that's why he appologized.
then he asked if i wanted to know a secret.
i asked if i should be scared.
he said maybe.
i said okay, tell me.
i was prepared for the worst.
but, to my surprise he said, word for word, "I've already decided to marry you.
I'm just waiting until people are more used to us being together."
<3333 *MELT* *DIES HAPPILY* lol.
i started hyperventilating, i couldn't breathe. haha.
then i replied like a loser, "OMG. really?" OMG. i love you! :D" lol.
then i told him how on christmas my dad saw the ring zach gave me.
he gave it to me a few years ago, just because he loved me.
my dad asked what it meant.
i told him we aren't married or engaged yet.
him & my uncle both said, "...yet?"
i smiled & said, "yet." [:
zach replied, "youre my perfect angel. i love you."
he's amazing.
i don't deserve him.
but, i'm so very happy. :D
he makes me happy.
i can't believe i'm so in love with him.
this day has been already amazing because of those texts. haha.
i don't see how today could get any better. haha.
but, i can't wait to see him when he gets home.

:D

update on all the things i wanted to remember.

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 22:01:54 GMT

i want to remember some of the sweet things
zach has said to me the past few days. [:

001. we were sitting on the bed just talking & hangingout. i mentioned to him that the other night when he got home i could feel this magnetic attraction that we had for eachother. not just physically, but emotionally too. because that night we didn't want to be apart for eachother. like, he came home & i was upstaires reading. he came in & kissed me, said hi, chatted a little & then he hesitated before going downstaires. he wanted me to go with him, but didn't want to interrupt my reading. i wanted to go with him too, but i didn't know if he wanted me with him. we are weird like that. we both want to be together, but we don't always say it out loud. we ended up spending the entire night together. well what i was saying is that i mentioned how i felt that magnetic attraction, like we didnt want to be away from eachother. & he said, i don't want to be away from you, ever. we laughed & joked how that wouldn't be very cool to have me hangingout while he worked. haha. :P it was really cute though. i was happy to hear him say that.

002. also i said isn't it nice to have the apartment to ourselves sometimes? he said yeah & he couldn't wait to get our own apartment so it would be like that all the time. <3 i told him i couldn't wait either. we've been talking about potential places to get a new apartment lately. i knew he wanted to, but him saying that he couldn't wait made me so happy. :D

003. last thing. the other day when he came into the room, the night i had some alcohol, i had my pants down to my knees. at first he thought i was...pleasing myself. but, that wasn't the case. right when he walked in i had decided to get undressed for bed. haha. so when he walked in he hesitated at the door like, should i come back? should i stay & watch? should i help her finish? lol. so after that when he layed down on the bed i jumped on him, because i wanted to be intimate with him. so then we ended up having some great sex. afterwards we were talking & such. i said sorry that i basically ambushed him when he got home. he said it was okay & that i shouldn't be sorry because when he got home he was ready to tear my clothes off. haha. [; i thought that was really hot. how are we so attracted to eachother? seriously, it's rediculous. haha.

that's it. <3

merry christmas to all. i guess.

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 03:55:24 GMT

so last night my parents picked me up
& we went to my grandparents house.
we go over there every christmas eve
to open the stockings they have for us there.
so we get there & we all eat this badass soup.
then after a while we head into the front room to open stockings.
my grandparents mostly got me money.
but they also got me a really cute shirt.
it's one of those shirts where the shoulders hang off.
my grandmother got a wii for christmas.
i was really jealous cause i really want one.
she also got the wii fit board to go with it.
more jealousy.
so we all opened our presents.
& i realized while i was sitting there that
the last time i saw my grandparents i
totally bailed out on helping them with yard work.
so of course they had to bring that up & it made me feel bad.
last night i was being even more clumbsy than usual too.
so then when i got home i hungout upstaires & listened to music.
mostly did that all day too.
oh yeah my parents got zach a gift this year.
they got him a huge case of different beers.
so i chugged two before zach got home.
i asked before hand if i could.
then when he got home i gave him his christmas card.
after that we had wild, crazy sex for a while.
that was pretty fun considering i was tipsy.
after that we talked for a while
& he was being really sweet as usual.
then he watched 'just like heaven' with me.
which i was confused about because it's a chick flick.
after that we layed down & slept.
this morning i had to get up early & i wasn't happy about it.
but when we got to my grandparents house breakfast was ready.
i was sick when i got up though due to drinking last night.
so we hungout at my grandparents all day today.
which was pretty nice.
watched some tv & played cards with the parents.
ate some badass bbq & watched some football.
pretty much two boring days. haha.

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 16:05:24 GMT

merry christmas!

quick update to jog my memory later.
i have a bad short term memory,
so i have to update with little hints
so later i'll remember to update about everything.

001. me & zach were watching 'Just Like Heaven',
which i was surprised at because it's a chick flick.
pretty girl comes on the screen, she's supposed to be the sexy type.
i asked if he thought she was sexy.
he said that she wasn't his type.
i asked what his type was.
he shot a stare at me, looked me up & down
then looked me in the eyes again.
he gave me that look like, 'you're all mine."
it shot chills up my spine & my breathing staggered.
i get so turned on when he looks at me that way.

why does this happen to me?

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 03:27:12 GMT

thanks to everyone who just befriended me!
i can't wait to start reading your journals.
please don't take that in a creepy way. XD

so yesterday was interesting...
work dragged on foreverrr
& it felt like the longest day of work i've ever had.
i finally got picked up by my brother around 455ish.
he took me back to my apartment & i went upstaires to change.
i hate wearing my work clothes too long.
so i changed & then got into bed to start reading.
i'm still trying to finish the last Twilight book.
i just haven't had time to read at work.
so then zach calls me when he gets off.
he says he's gonna go to his friend's casa & then eat.
i said that was cool & that i'm just gonna chill at home.
so i started to read again & got lost in my book.
the next time i looked up he was in the room leaning down to kiss me.
i asked what he was doing home so early.
i figured he'd be out all night. haha.
he said he missed me.
he sat down on the bed & hugged me for a few minutes while we talked.
he decided he wanted to play games
& i wanted to lay down & read.
so he headed downstaires while i picked up my book again.
a few minutes after he left though i decided i was hungry.
so i asked him if we could go cash my check & get some grub.
i got a christmas bonus yesterday,
so i was happy to buy us some groceries.
he was down for that idea.
so we headed to walmart.
we cashed my check & looked for some groceries.
we ended up getting hot pockets, pizza, soda, iccream, & other junk.
nothing we got was actual food. but whatever. haha.
we are stoners & we live with stoners.
so what we got was perfect.
i picked up a 5$ movie from the bin.
it's a movie that actually had 5 movies on it.
all supposed to be scary horror movies.
he got Magic cards.
yes, my boyfriend plays Magic. <3 haha.
i make fun of him for it in a teasing way. [:
so then we leave & i decide i want fast food for dinner.
so we went to taco bell & then headed home.
when we got home we hungout downstaires with jess.
she was wrapping some presents & being silly.
after a while i headed upstaires to read some more.
then i decided to watch a movie.
after the movie i got tired so i layed down to sleep.
at like 4am this morning i woke up & said something to zach.
but he wasn't laying next to me.
i was upset.
so i got dressed to go find him.
he was coming up the staires right when i was heading down.
we both stopped & stared at eachother.
he asked what i was doing like three times.
but, i was too irritated to answer him.
i finally did when we got into bed together.
i wasn't mad that he fell asleep downstaires.
i was just upset that i had to sleep alone.
but, i got over it.
this morning i didn't feel like working.
plus my parents were low on gas & couldn't take me.
so i slept in with zach.
we woke up around 230PM & had sex.
it always surprises me now when he wants sex.
but, it was lovely. <3
then he was upset cuz he had to go to work.
i spent most of my day today reading, cleaning the apt
& dancing like an idiot. haha.
earlier in the afternoon my parents picked me up.
we went over to gamestop, where zach works,
so i could get his apartment key.
i don't have one so they took me to make a copy.
after that we got dinner & then my mom brought me home.
i've just been listening to music & reading ever since.

can't wait for christmas.
& then this weekend.
i love having time off from work. haha.

this is gonna just have to be a boring post. XD
i wanna go back to the apartment & singggg. <3

is this it?

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:50:47 GMT

okay.
so after work yesterday i went to my parents house.
my dad made burgers for dinner & made some tortillas.
they were really good.
i took a shower while i was over there.
i was feeling really gross.
then after my shower roxie wanted a walk.
which made my hair all fluffy. :/
but mostly i just hungout & watched tv.
i barrowed Sleeping Beauty from my parents.
zach picked me up at the usual time, 1030PM.
he said i was acting weird.
he didn't say to be mean.
he said it like i was being silly.
but, i was acting weird.
i was like overly selfconcious.
so i was over thinking my every move & how i looked.
which i thought i looked bad, so i was like ughh.
we picked jason up because we all go off around the same time.
we were so quiet on the way home it was funny.
jason even commented on how quiet we were being.
when we got home i immediately changed into pj's.
zach got some food & then came upstaires with me.
i decided to watch Sleeping Beauty on the laptop upstaires.
he layed next to me, read & commented on the movie while i watched.
we were being playful, it was cute.
i was still kinda selfconcious.
so i was trying to hide my face, kinda, with my hair.
i don't know what i was thinking.
i don't have to be embarassed in front of zach.
he even said that last night.
during the movie he told me he had some pretty
raunchy dreams about me that morning.
he gets to sleep in because he usually has afternoons shifts at gamestop.
so i tried to get him to tell me about them, but he wouldn't.
he just said they weren't about sex, they were about fucking. haha.
alright then babe, whatever you want.
so then after the movie was over he took off his clothes & grabbed me.
he pulled off my clothes & started making out with me.
apparently he wanted these dreams to come true. haha.
so we ended up having sex.
i was soooo selfconcious through it all.
half way through it i asked for the light off.
he doesn't care though.
he said just do whatever makes me comfortable.
he makes me feel gorgeous when he touches me.
why can't i just feel that way all the time?
i haven't been that selfconcious in bed in a while.
i'm always a little bit, but that was crazy over thinking it.
so afterwards we sat in bed & talked a while.
i was all happy because he was being really sweet.
like he sat upstaires with me & watched my favorite disney movie with me.
then he wanted to have sex with me because no matter what i think,
he thinks that i'm sexy & he wanted me. <3
he makes me very happy.
he mentioned that he watched the movie with me,
just pointing out that he wanted to be upstaires with me.
i was like, "yeah i figured you'd wanna play
video games since you haven't in a few days,
i was all ready too! i got a dvd to watch so i wouldn't be bored! haha."
he said, "yeah, but i wanted to be with you &
i figured out that i love you more than video games."
*swoon*
he kept saying he missed me while i was at work.
i said i missed him too.
those days are always difficult.
when i work from 9AM-5PM & he wokrs from like 3PM-1030PM.
it makes for a very long day.
so after that we layed down & tried to sleep.
he had a difficult time because we usually stay up late.
but he has to work at 10AM this morning.
so he knew he needed to atleast try & sleep.
he tossed & turned all night.
he told me i didn't sleep very well either.
he said i kept waking up & twitching.
i kept getting woken up.
i kept hearing jess & jason move downstaires & such.
then i wasn't having very pleasent dreams.
so i'd wake up & gasp.
he keot asking if i was okay everytime i woke up.
it was cute that he was being all protective,
making sure i was okay. <33
i don't know what was wrong with me yesterday.
he thinks i didn't sleep well
because i'm stressing out over the period thing.
we talked about it.
& after our sex while i was sitting on the bed i left a little red spot on the sheets.
he saw & was like, "uhh Taylor..."
i looked, shot out of the bed & ran to the bathroom.
i have no idea what's going on with my period.
he said not to freak out though.
my mom & him think it's just stress.
which would make sense.
i love when i'm falling asleep, barely between sleep & awake.
& then zach will tighten his grip around me,
kiss me somewhere & then whispers that he loves me so much.
*melt*
he is so sweet.
last night after i woke up one time, he asked if i was okay.
i said yeah & then said, "you deserve a better girlfriend."
i felt so weird yesterday that i felt he needed a less weird girlfriend.
he said, "i couldn't ask for a better girlfriend."
how did i get so lucky? [:
today we both get off at 5PM.
so i don't know what's gonna happen when we get home.
i got a christmas bonus today! that was kinda cool.
that'll help with the bills for sure.
christmas is like three days away.
i'm not as excited as i usually am.
probably because all the money i get is gonna go toward bills.
but, still a really nice time of the year.
christmas eve i'll go to my grandparents to open stockings over there.
we'll have some sort of christmas dinner.
then the day of christmas we'll go back & open presents & eat lunch.
i still haven't registered. FUCK.
i should do that when i get home.
i can just do it over the phone or whatever.
i'll update again laterrrr.

or are you just having fun?

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:01:34 GMT

i love when you drink cold water & you can feel it running down your throat & chest as you drink it.

so yesterday was good, with some emotional stuff thrown in. zach had the day off as i said in my last entry. we went to bed at 530AM & woke up in the afternoon. as soon as we woke up he started kissing me & pulled me on top of him. we had sex, which again surprised me. i need to stop being surprised whenever that happens. haha. afterwards we talked in bed a while. he sat on the edge of the bed like he was waiting for something. i took forever getting dressed because i didn't know what i wanted to wear. he eventually went to take a shower while i decided. after wards we went downstaires where jess & jason were. they left after a few to go play golf or basketball. so we were alone & we were trying to figure out what to do. he said he wanted to play video games. but, that never happened & i wasn't sure why. he seemed bored with everything in the apartment. when i suggested other stuff like the mall, the park, zilker, the greenbelt, etc. he said no to all of them. so we ended up hangingout downstaires talking for a while. after that he left, like took the car & went somewhere. while he was gone i went upstaires to listen to music. i got emotional while he was gone. i don't like being alone all the time. so i needed to get out of the apartment. i took off running down the street. i headed down our street to the stoplight. i crossed & walked down the street some more. i came to a crossing though, where i had to chose left or right. so i turned & went back home. i didn't wanna get lost because i'm not very familiar with that area. so when i got back i texted zach to find out where he was. he left without telling me where he was going. he said he went to cash his paycheck so we could eat. there was NO food at the apartment, i'm talking none at all. i was like , "awww!" cuz he was trying to provide for us. [: i asked him to come home cuz i was being emotional. he came home & took me upstaires. he layed down & pulled me to his side where i could lay my head on his chest. he comforted me & i comforted him. he hates being broke & hungry all the time. i can sympathize with that. so i asked if he wanted to go to my parents house & grab some food. my parents never care if i get food from them. i also wanted to pick up a blanket from my room. so we agreed on that cuz we were both hungry. so we headed to my parents house. when we got there i started looking for food. my dad started going through the food & gave me stuff to take home. he also gave me some cash that he didn't need. i did remember to grab my blanket too! which means zach has more blankets to steal from me at night. XD haha. after that we got some gas & then we got tacobell for dinner. also we grabbed monopoly from my parents! when we got home we put on Constantine & played monopoly together while we ate. when Constantine was over i put in Employee of the Month. zach totally kicked my ass at monopoly. i fail at pretty much every game i play though, so it was really no surprise. haha. we finished watching Employee of the Month & he asked what else i wanted to watch. i couldn't find Twilight, so i said The Boondock Saints. he asked if i wanted to stay downstaires or go upstaires. i said go upstaires because it was already like 1230PM, so i knew i needed to get ready for bed. so we watched that together. we both were half dressed, laying next to eachother, he was holding me & reading his book at the same time. after that we still weren't tired. so he told me to go pick a movie i wanted to watch. i picked Troy, because i really like that movie. so we put that in & at first he really wasn't happy with my choice. he thought it was gonna be lame like 300 i assume. but, it's actually a really good story, pretty tragic yet epic. so all through the movie he was making funny comments. we play fought a little, but he still held me & read his book every once in a while. so after that we both got undressed & turned off the light. i was about to fall asleep until he got ontop of me. the sex we had was different than usual. it was more connected & sensual. i felt emotionally more attached to him. i think he felt that too. because afterwards he cried. <3 he said that was better than anything he's ever felt. usually our sex is great, but it wasn't ever like that. so he held me very tight after that. while he was holding me he said, "i'll always protect you." i cuddled up next to him & kissed his neck. i said back to him, "i'll try to protect you, but i'm not really good at stuff like that." we both laughed & then i continued, "the only thing i can protect you from is heartbreak." i felt his grip around me tighten & his breath shorten. so i continued, "i'll never let your heartbreak again." then we kissed eachother & layed in eachothers arms. after a while we both fell asleep. it was like 4 or 5 in the morning. haha. i'm surprised i'm so awake right now. haha. he didn't wanna get up & take me to work this morning. he was exhausted. i felt so bad having to wake him up. i love having nights like last night. he's getting used to watching movies with me. tonight i'm gonna let him play games. let itsn't the right word. what i mean is, i won't bitch if he wants to play games. haha. OH YEAH. i asked him if i could get a hamster if we get our own apartment! he said yes. what i really want is a kitten though. muhahaha! i'll ask him about that when that gets closer. haha.

i had plans with felicia last night. i was supposed to go over & spend the night at her house. i feel bad that i didn't go even though i had a great night. we can always reschedule though. i told her i couldn't go when i had my breakdown & ran out the door. then when zach made me feel better i didn't want to leave him. i appologized but i still feel like a jerk.

i can never get zach off my mind.
i wonder if i'm on his mind too.

it's gonna be a long day. i'm working a full day today. i get to spend most of my day reading though because my boss is in SA today. after that i get to go to my parents house. zach will pick me up from there at 1030PM tonight. jesus that seems like forever from now.

i still haven't registered for school. i do what to go back, but i have so much financial stuff i should get done with first. i probably won't register in time. i don't have the money to go back yet. i know my parents don't either. maybe i just have to wait one more semester. which will seem like forever to me, but i can do it.

me & zach discussed our birthdays last night. we both turn 21 this coming year. i turn in feb & he does in july. i told him i wanna go downtown & drink, but i don't know who to take because i can't take him. they won't let him in anywhere i'll be able to drink. he said for his birthday he doesn't wanna go downtown at all. he also told me jess wants to take him to a strip bar. he said he didn't wanna go to that either. that made me happy. haha. he said he just wants to hangout at home & drink. i said that sounded like a pretty good plan. i will probably end up doing the same thing. i will go to dinner with my family though. zach cringed at that idea because he knows he'll have to go with me. he likes my parents, but he just gets nervous easily. last night he talked to them no problem when we were there. i was proud of him because i knew he was shy & nervous. they like him too. [:

okay. really?
i never have my period this long.
it's been almost a week.
i usually have it for a few days & then it disappears.
but, not this time.
i NEVER have it this long.
seriously, like is something wrong with me?
i've gone a few days without a tamp in though.
& it hasn't left spots on my jeans or anything.
but, this may be tmi, when i wipe there's been fresh blood.
a few days ago the blood stopped like it usually does
& it wasn't fresh so i thought i was done.
so now i'm really confused.
if i'm still bleeding fresh blood this weekend, or by christmas
i'm gonna go to the doctor.
they will probably just say it's just my period.
but, my periods never like this...so im nervous. haha.

guess i'm done for nowww. i should finish reading & work some.

we're covering up our tracks.

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:05:16 GMT

yesterday kinda pissed me off.
the things i did yesterday were fine.
it was that, i felt like shit all day from being sick.
i sneezed like 100 times yesterday,
my head felt like it was gonna expload,
my throat felt like it was on fire everytime i coughed.
ughh it was horrible.
i worked yesterday,
which wasn't that bad.
my boss got me a christmas preset.
which made me feel like shit.
cuz i didn't get her anything. :/
then i went home & read some.
i mostly layed while spittle until zach picked me up.
on our way home he held my hand. <3
when we got home he went to the computer lab,
i went upstaires & layed down because i was dizzy.
i started reading when the dizziness went away.
after a while he came home.
he came upstaires & checked up on how i was doing.
he wanted me to go downstaires with him.
so we went downstaires & he started playing a golf game.
i think golf is the most boring game, ever.
i thought football was boring.
no, not like video game golf.
so i read my book a while.
i was irritated though because i wanted to watch Twilight.
but, everything gets moved around so often that i don't know where it is.
so eventually i took another movie upstaires to watch on zach's laptop.
i was upset that he didn't wanna go with me.
i felt sick & i wanted him to make me feel better.
but, he wanted to play his stupid games.
so i went upstaires all upset.
i sent him two mean text messages while upstaires.
i felt bad after sending them though.
i know i was being irrational & bitchy.
he hadn't played video games in a while.
so i calmed down & told myself that was okay.
that he could play video games if he wanted to.
as i was laying down i almost drifted off to sleep.
i figured i must be tired when i caught myself.
so i got undressed & turned off the light.
i snuggled up in bed & almost fell asleep when he walked in.
he came in with two bags of popcorn & cookies.
i wasn't hungry though.
since i've been sick i haven't been hungry.
then he showed me the texts & asked what they were about.
i told him & i appologized for being a bitch.
he looked at the most recent one i sent & said,
"you must of sent this when i was making you food."
he frowed & i looked at the food & realized he made that for me.
so in turn, i frowed as well & said sorry.
then he layed on my chest a while.
he wanted to lay with me & be with me.
that's why he came upstaires.
eventually we put a movie on his laptop.
i had never seen shaun of the dead.
so we watched that.
he totally fell asleep on me though. haha.
i kept asking if he wanted to sleep.
but, he kept saying no, he wanted to be with me.
i couldn't say no to that. [:
so he kept laying on me & i played with his hair.
i kept slightly falling asleep though.
it was about 1AM, so my usual time to sleep. haha.
i eventually told him i needed to lay down a while.
he got up & sat next to me while i layed down.
he kept the light on so he could read.
i didn't mind, as long as he stayed next to me.
i covered my head & drifted into sleep.
at about 230AM he woke me up.
he turned off the light & pulled me close to his body.
he started kissing my neck & my shoulders.
we ended up having sex.
i asked for the light on though.
i wanted to see his face.
everytime he turns on the light & looks at my face afterwards,
he has the biggest, sweetest smile on his face.
it's probably my favorite smile of his.
i usually don't like the light on, because i'm self concious.
but, i love seeing his face way too much.
after our sex we talked a while.
he layed on my chest some more & i played with his hair.
i asked him a really important question last nighit.
i held my breath before i asked it.
i started out by saying, we've already had sex as you know.
he gave me the 'duh' look. haha.
then i said, IF we get married how do you think our wedding night will go?
i used if for him.
i'm almost 100% positive i will marry him.
i want him, i love him.
so then he hesitated before answering me.
which made me nervous.
he said i love you a couple of times too.
i basically asked him because it's obviously not
gonna be a surprise how i look on our wedding night.
& i wanted to know how he felt about that.
he eventually said, 'when we get married i'm sure we are gonna tear eachother apart."
he said WHEN.
he didn't say IF like i did.
my heart fluttered.
he knew i caught that immediatly.
then i hugged him like hardcore.
he knew his answer made me happy.
after that we talked a little more & layed together.
eventually we both turned off the light & fell asleep.
i was so looking forward to sleeping in today.
& it was so worth it.
i was so happy when his alarm at 230PM pulled me out of a dream.
i got to sleep in just like i wanted to.
today i'm gonna hangout at the apartment,
paint my nails, do some laundry, read some, etc.
tomorrow he told me he has the day off.
i'm oh so too excited about that! <3
he said we can lay together in bed all day.
i said don't get my hopes up babe.
he took that the wrong way i think.
cause he said well we can't literally lay in bed all day. haha.
then he kissed me, said i love you & left for work.
i didn't mean it that way. haha.
i meant don't say sweet stuff like that & then change your mind.
but whatever babe, it's cool!
i love him. haha.
so i guess i'm gonna go read now.
maybe i'll finish the twilight series today.
laterrrr.

now we will sleep for the last time.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:59:30 GMT

it's gonna be a long day. i still feel sick, but i'm at work.

last night, after i posted, i went back to the apartment & started reading. after a while zach finally came home. i was upstaires, in bed, reading. he came in the room, sat on the bed & kissed me. i put my book down & scooted over to where he was. then he wanted to fix the bed. i forget that after sex the bed is messed up. like i pull the sheets off & stuff. so he saw that & tried to fix it. so i stood up & waited as he did that. after that he layed down on the bed & pulled me ontop of him. i kissed him & then sat on him & talked. after a while i slid off of him & sat next to him. after a few minutes he grabbed his stuff & said he was going downstaires. i said, "i wanna smoke, i've wanted to all day." then he said, "well come downstaires then." so we both headed downstaires. we both had books in our hands. so we get downstaires & he hands me a cheeseburger. haha. kinda random i guess. but, he must of stopped for food before he came home. i took like three bites & handed it back to him. i wasn't feeling good enough to eat. it's weird, i haven't felt hungry in a few days. he said he still loves me even though i'm all sickly. haha. so then we both started reading & smoking. after a while jason came home & they started playing a video game about golf. probably the most boring video game, ever. i just think golf is really boring, in my opinion. so i read some more while they played. jason was close to drunk by that point. apparently he had been drinking over at jess's apartment with her "husband" chad. because chad was pretty lit when he came over too. they had a few beers when they came over. jason talks a lot though when he's had a few drinks. so the conversation was pretty interesting. they all played the golf game, i mostly read. at about 2AM i decided to head to bed. i still didn't feel good. so i thought sleeping might help that. i headed upstaires, got undressed & turned the light off. i was drifting into sleep when zach came in the room. it actually scared me when the door made a noise. like i wasn't expecting it or something. haha. my heart started pounding really fast. it was crazy weird. i guess it was because it pulled me out of sleep. so then he held me as we fell asleep together. i love when we are in bed & he'll do something sexy, yet random. like when he got into bed he ran his down down my hips to my ass then squeezed my ass & then put his hand back to how he was holding me. i was like, "you're such a guy." haha. he replied, "whatever, you like it." very true. i hate trying to wake him up. when i was leaving this morning he was kinda jerkish. i was like, "i'm leaving babe, give me a kiss." he was like, "ughhhh. i'm sleeping." i eventually got a kiss out of him, but still! trying to wake him up is always a hassle. i keep thinking about how he asked about us getting an apartment together. it makes me so happy & really scared at the same time. i would love to get an apartment with just him. <3 i'd worry though, that he might get tired of me. or something along those lines. i guess i have a few months to worry though, before it actually comes true. he suggested getting an apartment where me & josh had one. because they are really cheap & close to both of our parents houses. i thought that was a really good idea. less money that we would have to spend on rent & on gas to get to work everyday. we both would be happier being closer to our parents too. i know he would at least. he's told me how much he misses them. i see mine more often, so i don't miss them as much because i know i'll see them soon. i think we could live together, just us two. it'll take some work, but what relationship doesn't? i didn't go to work yesterday, so i missed the office christmas party. i walked into the office this morning & there is a present sitting on my desk. i feel like a total bitch for not showing yesterday now. i also got a christmas card from a lady in the office. i have a valid reason for not showing up, but i still feel like shit. my neck is sore. [; i was so horny last night. i'm surprised i didn't attack zach when he came to bed last night. i guess i was more tired than i thought. maybe he could tell? cause he was kissing my shoulders & neck last night. before we had fallen asleep. it turned me on, so i thought he wanted sex. but, it didn't go any further than that. so we both got comfortable & slept. i've been sleeping really well lately. i've been trying to keep at set schedule of when i sleep. around 1AM - 2Am i head to bed & wake up at 830AM on weekdays. i've been feeling rested when i wake up & i haven't been waking up in the middle of the night. i hope this great sleeping continues. i do have a pretty badass job. i'm wearing converse to work. i've never been able to do that at any other job. & converse are my shoes of choice. they look kinda professional though. i mean, i would never wear the ones i've written all over. haha. i walked into work this morning to tell my boss something. she could tell i was sick. i kinda felt bad. i probably look as bad as i feel. my mom said she'll get my brother to pick me up early. it feels like i've been here for hours. i've actually only been here an hour. jesus, today's going by slow. my mom could tell i was sick too. so she said i could go home early & lay down. i'm gonna feel like shit carrying that present out of here. i don't deserve the present! i didn't go to the party. they are too nice to me i swear. everyone i work with is really nice. i pretty much like everyone here. i'm just not very social. i get nervous easily. so it's hard for me to get to know people. i'm gonna need a new box of tissues by the end of the day. zach gets off earlier than usual today. the past few days he's gotten off at 1030PM. today he gets off at 6PM. hopefully he'll remember to pick me up from my parents. i hate when he forgets me there. he's done it only twice though. but, each time i cried my eyes out. because he FORGOT me. haha. i feel like we got off on a wrong note this morning. because i wanted a kiss & he was all ughhhh. hopefully he's in a better mood later today. what the hell am i gonna do for another 3 hours? felicia wants me to spend the night this weekend. i'm excited because i really wanna spend time with her. but i'm also nervous because her sister is dating josh. felicia is worried we won't get along or something. i'm gonna act civil. i'm not gonna be a total bitch. it'll hurt to see her, not gonna lie. but, i can handle myself in a respectable manner. if i don't feel better by sunday i'm gonna have to cancel. i don't wanna get her & her family sick with whatever i have. i hope it doesn't come to that though. ughh. i still feel like shit. i should finish my work now.

she's an angel & i'm the wicked.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 02:59:55 GMT

my throat is still hurting.
my sinuses are still fucked.
but, i'm still in a good mood.
i've spent all day reading.
well since i woke up anyway.
i just finished Eclipse.
i'm starting on the fourth book tonight.
i don't know what to expect tonight.
i'm not up to being very social.
i'm kinda in a blahhh mood because of how i feel.
i wonder if zach will wanna be social.
more than likely.
should i smoke tonight if my throat hurts?
i could fake being social i guess.
if he wants to hangout over at Jess's apartment.
it's whatever.
whatever makes him happy.
we will see what happens when he gets home.
i have a headache.
i can't sleep because of it.
but that's what i want to do.
i guess i'll go & read now.

do i deserve this?

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:39:15 GMT

zach's been so sweet lately.
i have no idea why.
but, he's been a total sweetheart.
last night he picked me up from my parents.
i still get butterflies when he picks me up.
we were on our way home & i was trying to make conversation.
but, i was being ditzy as usual.
we were both laughing & having fun.
we stopped at a stoplight & he was staring at me.
i was getting nervous & selfconsious.
so i was like, what? why are looking at me?
he said because he loves me & thinks i'm pretty.
i blushed & had a huge smile on my face.
this sort of set the tone for the rest of the night.
when we got back home jason & two of his buddies were playing poker.
they were all having a good time & such.
i felt kinda like leaving them to have guy time.
zach joined them to play & i slipped off upstaires.
i got into my pj's & started reading.
a few mintues later zach came upstaires.
he was like, baby you don't have to stay up here.
& i was like well it looks like you guys are having guy time right now.
he was like, you could come down there with us.
i asked if he wanted me to go downstaires.
he smiled & said yes. <3
so i headed down staires.
he caught me & turned me around.
about half way down the staires.
he leaned down & kissed me.
more butterflies.
then we both headed into the living room.
i sat on the couch & read while they played.
jason looked over at me in the middle of the game
& asked me if i was reading Twilight.
i said yea & then he turned back to the game.
he had this look on his face like, that's so lame. haha.
everyone laughed.
it was pretty amusing.
during the game, every once in a while,
zach would grab my hand & hold it.
he also would squeeze my foot when he wanted attention.
the poker table was set up in the middle of the living room.
i sat on the couch right next to where zach's chair was.
then i got tired around 1AMish, so i went upstaires.
i layed down & read one more chapter before i turned off the light.
then i layed down & fell asleep a little.
i was like inbetween sleep & awake when zach showed up.
he knew i wanted to spend some alone time with him.
so he came to bed earlier than he usually does.
i was surprised when he wanted to have sex.
i actually questioned why he wanted to. haha.
because i've been on my period this week.
i was like smelling his breath for alcohol.
because they were drinking downstiares.
but, he was sober.
i asked why he wanted to have sex with me.
he said because he loves me. <3
i was just selfconsious again. haha.
so we ended up doing that & it was really nice,
because he was more worried about pleasing me
than pleasing himself. <3
then we layed in bed & talked for a while.
he kept staring at me again. <33
i kept blushing, looking away & smiling. haha.
we are so sickning sweet. lol.
so then we fell asleep.
i was really tired.
this morning i woke up & felt horrible.
my throat is sore & my sinuses are fucking with me.
it's giving me a headache.
& i feel like my head is gonna expload.
but, i woke up next to him & he held me all night.
i don't remember the conversation we were having this morning
but i said, "you're crazy!" & he replied, "about you."
i smiled & squeezed his hand that was entangled in mine.
last night while we were in bed talking.
he randomly said, "you're perfect."
my heart started racing.
he's amazing.
i love him so much.
i'm so happy with him.
i can't wait til he gets home tonight. :D

i feel your name coursing through my veins.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 17:16:25 GMT

you put the sun to shame.

so last night was really nice & unexpected
zach picked me up from my parent's house around 1030PM.
i was nervous when he picked me up.
we hadn't talked about why he was so upset yesterday.
we were silent for half the ride home.
i guess he was nervous too maybe?
or just tired from working all night?
i finally asked, "so, how was work?"
he turned & gave me this 'i think you're adorable' smile.
he said it was good & then asked me how my day was.
i said my day was alright as i smiled & blushed due to his sweet smile.
then we didn't speak 'til we got home.
he held my hand after that though. [:
when we got home i expected him to hop into video games.
i was ready with my book next to me.
but, he asked if i wanted to watch movies.
i flashed him this skeptical, confused looked but said yes with a smile.
i love watching movies so much more than watching video games.
he put in semi pro.
which i had never seen 'til last night.
pretty funny movie.
i adore will farrel movies.
so we watched that, smoked & laughed.
jason popped in & out every once in a while.
he was mostly upstaires though with jess.
then afterwards i was expecting a video game to be put in.
but he asked if i wanted to watch another movie!
& i was like...okay, what's going on? haha.
this boy loves video games so i was really confused.
he just smiled & asked what i wanted to watch.
i said i don't know. haha & looked around at the movies.
i said, "you know which movie i'm most likely to watch."
he said, "i know, i don't mind watching it with you."
i popped in across the universe. it's my fav. <3
i asked him if he liked watching this movie with me because it makes me happy.
he said yes & because he likes the movie.
so we watched thatttt & i was happy.
then we headed upstaires cuz it was like 2AM.
he read for a little while, while i fell asleep.
we talked a little bit before sleeping, but not much.
it was kinda a quiet night i guess.
we talked more while watching movies than not though.
we did talk about me missing work eventually.
just can't remember when exactly.
i think we were on the couch.
earlier in the say i sent him a
text saying i knew why he was upset.
that i got his point finally &
that it just took me a while to understand.
so then he asked me to explain in a text.
i told him i'd explain when we got home.
so we were on the couch watching a movie
& i was randomly like, so do you wanna know now?
he was like, yeah.
i started talking & then was like,
wait we both are talking about the work thing right?
he looked over at me, smiled & said yeah.
then i explained what i thought he meant.
the last thing i mentioned was how he wants to start a life with me.
he leaned over & hugged me after i mentioned it.
i asked him if i was even close to why he was upset.
he said yeah, so i guess i did finally understand.
i'm glad we worked through that.
i'm glad he's actually telling me his feelings. <3
communication is so much better than miscommunication.
i really enjoyed last night even though much didn't happen.

if i had to chose a way to die,
it would be with you.

works been good so far.
pretty boring for me, but enjoyable i guess.
the spill canvas is making my day so much better.

my secret is fatally gorgeous,
i'd die for you.

christmas is like next week, eh?
too bad i don't get paid 'til after christmas.
i already got some presents though.
i got zach a candle & a card which i poured my heart into.
then i got felicia a card that expressed some feelings as well.
my parents aren't getting anything 'til after.
same with muh brother.
other than that i guess i'm done with gifts.
i went kinda cheap this year cuz i didn't have much money.
i can't believe the boys talked me into buying 60 dollars worth of weed.
like last week.
it's great weed.
i mean totally worth the price.
but, i've never spent that much money on weed.
so it was crazy weird for me i guess.
wow.
that was my first time buying weed.
i just realized that.
i've never bought any before this.
josh did when we were together.
& every other time i smoke it wasn't my weed.
crazinessssss.

i'm done for now.
not much to say today.

oh yeah. nice!

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:59:16 GMT

i hate being around drop dead gorgeous girls.
they make me question everything about myself.
like the time i went with max to the mall,
he was looking at some leather jacket that he wanted to buy.
& the sales girl was helping him.
she was gorgeous.
just standing next to her i felt less adaquate.
it's amazing that someone i don't
even know could make me feel that way.
he was oblivious to everything.

i find it oddly funny & ironic that men age better than women.
considering women are usually more vain than men.
it makes me sad knowing i'll feel bad about it in the future.
for now, it's just amusing.

i'm really heavy this month.
it's been that way for a few months now.
usually it's not though.
it's kinda pissing me off actually.

i'm getting sucked into the Twilight series.
i just started reading the third book.
i really wanna see the second movie.
i might ask my parents to get me the movies for christmas.
XD

i wanna go on a trip right now.
get on a plane [or drive] & go somewhere i've never been.
anywhere.

maybe i'm just in the mood to do something new tonight.
i have an urge to go dancing now.
i don't even know how to dance & i'm super clumbsy.
but, it sounds like so much fun.
i've always wanted to dance & be shown off like that.
do some really nice waltz or tango.
be twirled around while wearing a gorgeous flowing dress.

gah.
this movie is bringing out my girly side. haha.

i must go nowww.

well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game.

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:31:11 GMT

me & zach got into a fight this morning.
a texting fight anyway.

me: i just wanted to tell you because i don't lie to you. i didn't go to work. please don't hate me. i love you.

him: i don't understand.

me: don't understand what?

him: why. but it's cool.

me: my mom wanted me to hangout over here. are you mad at me? im gonna pick something up from the apt in the next hour. can you make sure the door is unlocked please?

him: yes.

me: you're mad at me?

him: honestly kinda. yes i am.

me: why?

him: because all you have to do is just go to work.

me: i know. but money doesnt matter to me. youll get the rent. so why be upset over this?

him: nevermind. i apparently can't explain it right. so just forget it.

me: i just done want you to be mad at me. i get your point. i wanna go home.

him: my point is that you complain about not having money and your warrent and all this stuff you have to pay and you have this badass job that would allow you to take care of all that and its like i have to put a gun to your head to make you go.

me: i know. i don't know whats wrong with me. sorry.

him: yeah well it really just makes me worry about when we try to get a place together.

me: you would never get a place with me. you would murder me when i got on your nerves and you would get tired of me. if we had our own place i would work everyday because theres noway id ever jepordize that. i so spelled that wrong.

him: prove it to me.

me: how?

him: start going to work. everyday. no excuses.

me: fine. i will. why do you wanna get an apartment with me anyway?

him: i don't know. it certainly doesnt have anything to do with the fact that im in love with you or anything.

me: i love you too. im sorry im irrisponsible. i will go to work everyday to prove to you that i want an apartment with you too.

end fight.

get up & go.

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:34:00 GMT

sunday was really lovely.
i wish i could have days like that all the time.
from the moment we woke up zach was really sweet.
we got up & were all playful.
we had sex right after we woke up.
i totally wasn't expecting it either.
but, i loved it as usual.
after that we got dressed & headed downstaires.
jess had her sister over & her boyfriend.
so everyone was downstaires talking.
they didn't stay very long after we got there.
so after they left we watched "the truman show".
which is a pretty good movie.
after that we headed to the mall.
after we got there zach totally didn't wanna be there.
it was so busy because of the season.
we walked around the mall a few times.
i stopped in my favorite stores to look at clothes.
he stopped in his favorites to look at movies & games.
eventually he wanted me to pick out a christmas gift that i wanted.
it was hard to decide.
at the end i picked out candles for our room.
they smell of the beach. <3
then we left the mall soon after we bought them.
we headed home.
the rest of the night was spent in front of the tv.
we alternated between movies & video games.
then before bed we had sex again, another surprise.
the best part about sunday was that he was really sweet.
even though he complained about being at the mall. haha.
after our sex we felt energized rather than tired.
he stayed up all night reading.
& i didn't get much sleep because the light was on.
so monday i didn't go to work.
when my alarm woke me up he was still awake reading.
i shot up & turned off my alarm & then fell to the floor.
i was so exhausted my chest hurt.
so i convinced him to let me stay home.
i crawled back to bed & went back to sleep in his arms.
he also went to sleep with me.
we woke up in the afternoon.
yesterday we mainly spent at home too.
he did take me to the trail of lights last night though.
jess & jason went to a christmas party.
then the rest of the night i read eclipse
& he played video games like usual.
i started my period last night! woot.
we were kinda worried for a while.
today my mom let me stay home.
i'm at my parents house right now.
our family friend ron is over,
my mom has the day off & i just brought josh over.
i'd rather be sleeping with zach though.
but, if i go home zach will just be mad i stayed home from work.
but, i really miss him right now.
i think i'm just being moody because i started.
i really wanna go home though. :/
i wanna be in his arms right now.
last night he asked me if i thought about
getting an apartment with just him when our lease is up.
i said i havent thought about it because
i didn't know if he wanted that or if he would want more roommates.
he asked what i thought about just us getting one.
a huge smile flashed across my face.
he asked me while he was holding me in bed.
just before we fell asleep.
i said i'd love that.
because it's the truth.
then i started to worry...
what if he gets annoyed with me?
i mean, tired of me because it's just me & him.
ugh. i hate the way my brain works.
my stomache is killing me today.
i wish i was sleeping with zach still.
he was really cute at the trail of lights last night.
he kept taking pictures with my camera.
he loves taking pictures with that camera. haha.
i told him he can have that one when i get my new one.
he was all excited because he's never had his own camera.
he works so late all this week. ]:
til like 1030 everynight. ugh.
i'm not gonna like this week very much.
anywayz that's all for now.